It is Saturday night on December the 30th of 2018. While young people will make the Amsterdam nightlife unsafe I’ll sit in bed with my laptop on my lab. I am safe home here in my room at floor 4. My candles are burning, a Tibetan incense is on and music from Philip Glass is in the background. It’s the little things, the details in life.
I am wide awake again while the clock is 1.30 am and I feel the urge to write. Something I have not done consciously in the past period. I had no longer had energy, felt empty and uninspiring. What should I talk about now? About a fantastic new sustainable product? About a new Yoga style that has come across from America? About our horrifying natural disasters on earth? About all the fights between my neighbor and her son? Or about my personal life? Because that is precisely the intention of a blog, right? That is the essence of social media; isn’t that what our readers are waiting for? They want to see who YOU are and what moves you. And if we can be picky, then please just only the fun things of life. Post your best picture with one of your favorite filters with a beautiful philosophical, anthroposophic, responsible story below. And for lazy days only a quote from Rumi, for example. I feel successful as I went online and at least I have shown my face again. The whole world is once again updated of my life. Although, nothing is what it seems.
Behind my enchanting colorful life, there is enough shadow. Shadow of sadness, anger, shame and insecurities. Although I am a blessed person with almost four years of being cancer free, I still experience the blows of all my treatments every day; extreme hormonal complaints, insomnia, no appetite, palpitations, fatigue, vaginism and even much more. I really underestimated my recovery and that is why I visit my therapists and psychologist weekly. Maybe I should post a photo for a change, with my legs wide open while the gynecologist wants to insert the speculum into my vagina. I think I will be above 200 Likes by then.
On top of that, I have been in conflict with the uncertainty and stress of our bureaucratic system for a year. A complicated insanity in which I ended up in a hearing against the Dutch social benefit in my last update. Tears rolled down my cheeks during this hearing of misunderstanding and powerlessness. Fortunately, I was supported by a dear friend of mine, because I could not have done this alone. For the interested party people, please watch this humanistic film ‘I, Daniel Blake’. A perfect mix of understatement, humor and tragedy. Just like my life.
Life is not black and white, fortunately not, but that sometimes makes it very difficult, in my experience, to find your place in this society. A certain responsibility to your family and friends why you do or do not make certain decisions in your life. That I can lock myself up for days in my “cave” after my therapy and surf a few days later in Morocco or give a performance for the Royal family in the Royal Palace, it truly does says nothing at all. Of course, I will not deny that my life is not an average story. But from whom does? I’ll guess I need them both for my physical and mental recovery.
Although judgement is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak. Because in all honesty everyone is struggling. So no, I’m not always happy; there are enough tears rolling down my cheeks during the nights. I feel lonely and by watching First Dates I am longing for hugs and cuddles from a nice man. A Love who can relate with my experiences, speaks from his heart and is able to say “everything will be OK, I love you.” Is that too much to ask for?
And no, I am not rich moneywise, because I even live under the mininum wage -I can consider myself as a real artist now-. However, I am a rich and blessed person with all these amazing people around me who support me in this process. Yes, I am grateful if I get nice invitations to go to certain events again. It simply keeps me in balance and give me the strength to go on and enjoy life as if it were my last day. This is who I am now, this is who I wanna be in 2019; naked without any filters. Happy New Year!
Photo credits: Rachid de Wind