mind., Salty Journal

BLUE MOOD, BLUE MOON


Here I am, hiding behind my laptop, staring out the window now and then. By Dutch standards, it’s a beautiful day: the sky is blue and the sun is shining. Now and again, some small clouds drift by and I think of all the little animals that are being born on farms all over the country.

Last weekend, daylight saving time has started, so our evenings are longer; time for balmy summer nights spent outside at the pub, the park or the beach. I can’t wait to feel the sun on my face again! It’s in my roots, my Indonesian blood is called to warmth or ‘pedis’, as we call it. Even so, I feel a bit anxious.

I’ve had quite a heavy few months, due to personal circumstances. The Dutch bureaucracy, not being heard or seen by official agencies, not having enough money to live on, hospital appointments, working on my mental and physical health (again) and maintaining relationships with my friends and loved ones: it’s all too much.

I had to come to a halt and let things go. That’s not easy for me: I’m a busy bee, curious and adventurous by nature. You only live once, right? (Or, in my case, multiple times.) But cliché or not: I’ve come to look at life differently and sometimes that’s difficult in a society filled with the expectations of others on how to live your life.

I’m in two minds. Or perhaps I’m simply having a midlife crisis? Yes, a midlife crisis without a husband, kid, dog or – for now – even a job! I’m 37 years young (yes, I know, I don’t look my age, thanks for the compliment) and even my adventurous spirit longs for some peace and quiet. But how, what and where? And, eventually, with whom? I sincerely believe that we, people, are meant to be together. Share our life, share adventures, without losing ourselves. A relationship should be an addition to your life, not the only fulfillment. In my opinion, a lot of people are only together because they can’t or won’t live alone, or because they (want to) have children, or even because they can’t afford their mortgage on their own.

Confession: my guilty pleasure is watching ‘First Dates’ (the British version, of course). It’s amazing to see so many different types of people together. Their body language, especially, speaks volumes. Fascinating to see how everyone is looking for a connection, being loved, intimacy and sexuality. I won’t deny that I have these longings as well. But it’s okay to be insecure, vulnerable and melancholy about these feelings. I’ll just blame the upcoming full moon.

Transformation, healing and love. Full moon, what do you do to me?

With love, 

Chanti Mai

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photo credits: Rachid de Wind

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